


I've Been So Good, Where The Hell Is The Karma?

by wtf_is_frank_up_to



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Depressive Episode, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Medication, Poor Todd, antidepressants, but it's the, don't ask me when in the timeline is this bc i can't tell you, gay depression, like depression but ur gay, sorry that i'm taking it out on you my child, your basic bitch fanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:53:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26754613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wtf_is_frank_up_to/pseuds/wtf_is_frank_up_to
Summary: Pointless.Useless.Burden on everyone.This was Todd's mood in a nutshell in this particular moment.(Or: i'm going through depressive episode and i need to take it out on something. also i like when at least someone is cared for, even if its not me. dont be too harsh bros)
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 14
Kudos: 74





	I've Been So Good, Where The Hell Is The Karma?

Pointless.  
Useless.  
Burden on everyone. 

This was Todd's mood in a nutshell in this particular moment.  
He didn't know how he ended up here- tangled in his and Neil's bedclothes, crying his eyes out.  
Well, to be completely fair, he knew- this month it was his turn in changing duvets and getting them to laundry. Crying was a bit more complicated though.

He didn't understand what went wrong- didn't he do everything the doctor told him to do? He was taking his meds, he was eating his three meals a day, he was drinking water. He didn't stay up too late, and even (no matter how much he loathed it), he was doing sports. 

Yet here Todd was, weeping over being unable to put fucking bedclothes in all the right places.  
Where did his karma go? 

He knew he was going to end up like that, but... that didn't make anything better.

***

In the morning everything was normal. Classic Welton Saturday Morning. Most boys were organizing study groups, stuffing faces with toasts, planing their shenanigans. Only a few of them didn't take part in the rumble, and, you guessed it- Todd was in this non-homogenic group.

While he was finishing the grass-tasting tea, Neil started nudging his side.  
"Everything okay?"  
Nod.  
(Neil didn't buy it, but didn't push either. He never did, not about this.)  
"Do you want to come to rehearsal with me?"  
Shake of head. "I can't today."  
"Then maybe you'd want to accompany me to main hall instead?"  
Nod. 

***

After the doors leading outside closed, Neil made sure they were alone, and only then turned to Todd.  
"I'll see you after the rehearsal, yeah?"  
They've been together for a while, and Todd still couldn't get used to this. If Todd from the past, who was already overwhelmed by how nice to him Neil was, then... well. Past Todd would probably die from heart attack if he saw how the Present looks.

Neil was so gentle with him. Craddling his face with all the care in the world. Looking at Todd like- like he mattered. Like he was Neil's favorite poem. Like there was something more to him than anxiety and insecurities.  
"Yeah. You will" Todd mumbled, trying his best to keep it together. He wanted to bathe in all the warm feelings Neil was giving him (so freely. Todd could never understand how Neil could give away kindness with such ease). And he would, if not the fact that he could not feel it this time. 

His essence was floating somewhere above their heads, no physical connection to his body. It was as if it was a balloon filled with helium. Tied to his hand, too far to reach from both sides. And he couldn't get back in there, he couldn't, he-

Suddenly, all his 4 trains of thoughts, all going in different directions, stopped; thanks to pair of chapped lips on his forehead.  
"Gotta go, or I'll be late."  
Todd stood in the door until he couldn't see Neil's silhouette through mist. 

***

"There. You. Go!" Cameron said, fishing out fresh bedsheets and throwing them straight into Todd's face. "Are you coming to our study group meeting later?" he asked, hands fiddling with his own set.  
Todd knew what he was doing; trying to take him out of his own head, even if just for a few hours before Neil's back. 

Well. Even if Cameron was, to put it lightly, an emotional brick, Todd appreciated his efforts.  
"No, but thanks for the invite" was his answer.  
He tried to not hate himself too much for the look of sheer concern that Cameron gave him. 

You can't even not make people worry about you. You're supposed to be useful, not give your friends more concerns than they already have.  
The voice was merciless. 

***

"C'mon, come on-!" he moaned, fruitlessly trying to put those goddamn duvets into those goddamn bedsheets, but they won't go in, they won't lay straight, they just won't, and why is he even getting upset about it, it's just some stupid duvets, it's fine-

He was sitting on the floor, fighting with a fucking blanket. He should be fine. He should.  
He hid his face in palms, nails digging into forehead (that's when he realized he was crying). He wanted to scream. Why suddenly everything felt like too much and too loud and-

The door to their bedroom creaked, and out of nowhere Neil was standing there. Sweaty, red from cold, tired.  
Todd's first thought was "oh shit no". Second thought was to run away, so Neil can't see him and worry about him.  
There wasn't really time for third thought, because then Neil dropped to his knees in front of him. He looked so worried and so confused that Todd almost asked him to stop. 

Almost.

"Hey Todd..." started Neil, " I need you to do something for me. Can you sit on the chair?" He started pulling Todd up.  
"Give me a sec" Neil murmured, and dealed with duvets by himself. "There".  
He wouldn't stop talking quietly. Todd wasn't even registering at this point, his boyfriend could admit to commiting a mass murder right here, right now, and he wouldn't notice. 

Before he knew it, Neil grabbed him by hands again, and sat on his own bed.  
"Hush... I know it's bad right now, but I'm gonna walk you through it. I promise. I'm not moving from here, see?" soft words, soft hands pulling Todd on Neil's lap, soft eyes, soft soft soft. Todd didn't deserve to be around this much softness.  
"Todd... you're having an episode, right?" whisper. It barely made it through smaller boy's hazy mind. 

Nod. 

"I hate- I hate being like this!" he moaned, "I did everything right... I did... wh- where's my karma, Neil?"  
There it was. The core problem. And in the moment he admitted it, the final breakdown came. Todd cried, wrapping arms around himself. He sounded like a small, lost child. He was filled with so much sadness, was so worn out.

Neil couldn't answer his question. There just wasn't a satisfying answer to that. So he did what all of his protective instincts were advising- he laid his love's, his best friend's, head on his shoulder, and held him tight until there physically wasn't anything to cry with. 

He rocked him, and did his best to not cry himself.  
Those moments were never pretty, but it was okay. They didn't have to be. Neil knew.

**Author's Note:**

> there are ugly things about depression that i dont really see anyone talking about in fiction. although we should, because its so fucking important. things like breaking down over small things, or episodes getting us even if we seemingly do everything right.  
> idk. i just felt the need to scream about it in gay fanfiction. 
> 
> comments make me cry from happiness.


End file.
